The Courage to be Disliked | Reading Notes & Thoughts

Disclaimer: This post is written partly as a travel journal and a book note. You may focus purely on the ‘Quick Notes’ sections for the book’s summaries.

It’s Easter holiday in Hong Kong right now. I’m on an impromptu 3-day solo trip across the border to Shenzhen following Gemini’s itinerary. I told it to make me a slow-life, reading-focused trip to disconnect. It didn’t disappoint. I decided to make this trip mostly on a whim, seeing that it’s a long weekend and I’m in a bit of a slump. Having recently ended my relationship (is four months recent?) and following the state of the world these days, I’m feeling a lot of uncertainty in my life. My employer was also another in a long list of tech companies doing their rounds of mass layoffs in this age of AI (thankfully I am still employed). The world just feels so chaotic. When I left home, I hadn’t even decided which book to read. It could’ve been The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood that Adrian recommended to me, Meditations by Marcus Aurelius that Joey from Trash Taste swears by, or The Sense of Style by Steven Pinker since I want to improve my writing. But as this blog’s title has revealed to you, I’ve decided to read The Courage To Be Disliked by Fumitake Koga & Ichiro Kishimi. I came across this book via a Youtube video by Matt d’Avella, the minimalist guy, and it piqued my interest and somehow it felt right to be read right now.

Day 1 - April 3, 2026

The only thing on my itinerary today was to check in to the hotel, visit the Shenzhen Book Mall Nanshan (深圳書城南山), have ramen for dinner, and return to the hotel. That’s it. This will be the pattern for the next two days. Later in the afternoon, I arrived at the hotel slightly early and my room wasn’t ready yet, so I got started on the book while waiting in the lobby. I was surprised by how easily it read. Coming into the book, I expected it to be a dense reading as I’d heard it covered psychology and touched on Greek philosophy. Instead, the entire book was presented in the form of dialogue between two characters—the Professor and the Youth. Maybe the fact that it was translated from Japanese played a part. Or maybe not. The ideas were presented clearly and colloquially and made for easy reading. After a short first read, I checked in to my room, rested a bit, and cycled to the book mall on a rental bicycle ubiquitous in Chinese cities. It only cost 1.5 yuan for 15 minutes of cycling. I walked around the ‘mall’ for a bit. It was large, but mostly quiet. Not because it was a bookstore, but because there actually weren’t many people around. The first floor had a couple of restaurants, a bakery, and a Starbucks. The floors above were a combination of bookstore, art schools, stationery, and school supplies. Among the aisles and shelves of books, I found that there were indeed people. Hidden among the reams of pages were uncles and aunties quietly reading. Some sat on the floors, some on the steps, others stood. There was even a dedicated reading area that doubled as a small auditorium for when there was an event. And on the second floor, there was a really nice cafe with low wooden walls and warm, tasteful interior. I ordered a latte, planted myself down among folks quietly working on their laptops, and continued reading. I only left in the early evening when I started feeling hungry.

Quick Notes

This covers roughly the beginning 35% of the book.

Two key schools of thought:

1. Sigmund Freud’s “Aetiology”, or the belief in a causal relationship between things. That there is a deterministic relationship in how we think and act.
2. Alfred Adler’s “Teleology”, the belief that thoughts and actions are based on ‘goals’ one creates for oneself.

Notes

• The world is simple. How it is viewed is subjective.
• Trauma does not exist. The past does not matter.
• All problems are interpersonal relationship problems.
• People can change their personality.
  • One’s lifestyle—the way one views life—can be decided at any time.
• People use causal explanations like “if only I [insert trait], then I would/could [insert ]” because leaving things in the realm of possibility makes it feel like we are capable of accomplishing that wish without putting in the work
  • Example: “If only I were more educated, I would have achieved more in life.”
• The narrative we tell ourselves influences the way we think and act.
• The word “Good” in its purest definition does not encompass any morality. It only means “beneficial to oneself.” So when something is good, it means that it benefits you.
• Likewise, “Evil” simply means ’not beneficial to oneself.’
• The term “feeling of inferiority” was actually first used by Adler
• Value is a subjective construct we assign to things based on societal norms.
• Objective is not equal to subjective.
  • This sounds obvious, but it is empowering. Because things are subjective, we can always choose to change what kind of value we give to things.
  • Whether something is superior or inferior is completely subjective.
• People have a universal desire to escape from a helpless state. Adler called this the ‘pursuit of superiority.’
• There is an important distinction between ‘feeling inferior’ and having an ‘inferiority complex.’ Feelings of inferiority are healthy and stem from the universal pursuit of superiority we all have. It is the feeling that fuels the desire for self-improvement.
• An inferiority complex is when the feeling stops being beneficial and becomes an excuse—a causal relationship—for something. For example, “I’m bad at communication, that’s why I didn’t get promoted” -> “If I were good at communication, I would’ve gotten promoted.”
• A ‘superiority complex’ is not the opposite of an ‘inferiority complex’; it is an advanced form of it. When a person feels lesser than others, it can develop into a superiority complex.
  • These people think about how they are better at something than others to compensate for their feelings of inferiority.
  • Braggarts flaunt their past accomplishments, their connections to important people to borrow the value those things have to make themselves feel or seem less inferior.
  • They put on gaudy brand name products. They use the ‘power’ associated with those objects and connections to cover up their own feelings of inferiority.
• The next level of braggart is those who, instead of talking about their good points, tell other people about their trauma. By doing so, you go around saying, ‘I’ve been through this, so you’ll need to treat me with care.’ You inadvertently gain power over others by using your weakness.
  • Adler goes so far as to say that the most powerful person in existence is a baby—an actual infant human being. A baby is so weak and helpless that everyone around them has to accommodate them. They get all the special attention. They can never be dominated.
• The feeling of inferiority will come when you compare yourself with another (interpersonal relationship!). It is unavoidable, but it isn’t ’evil’ either.
• If you existed as the only person in the universe, you would not have any problems.

Quotes

“As long as one continues to use one’s misfortune to one’s advantage in order to be ‘special’, one will always need that misfortune.”

Thoughts

Adler’s psychology and the thoughts presented by this book so far has really made me question my entire being. Going back to the whole reason I am on this solo escapade, questions like “Am I in a slump because of the reasons listed earlier?” Or was it actually my ‘goal’ to be in a slump and it was just convenient for me to use those reasons to justify this trip?

What is my lifestyle? My view on life?

What am I leaving in the realm of possibility now?

What kind of personality do I want?

What past misfortunes am I still relying on?

The Morality of Gon Freecs

TBC I have so many thoughts but it’s past midnight and I need to sleep

Day 2 - April 4, 2026

The second day’s itinerary is mostly the same. I woke up early and had a cheeky 1-hour run on treadmill in the hotel’s gym. Immediately after that I had a rather disappointing breakfast at the hotel, then got ready for the day. I wasn’t able to get a good night’s rest. I guess it was because of all the coffee I’ve had yesterday. Running in the morning was probably a bad idea, energy management wise. Anyways, today’s POI is called Old Heaven Books (旧天堂书店) at the trendy OCT-LOFT neighborhood. I was rather looking forward to visiting this little bookstore cafe, from the photos I’ve seen online it looked rather cozy with it’s vintage vibes and moody lighting. The weather forecast for this weekend did not bode well and the gloomy skies confirmed it. It was part of the reason why I told Gemini to make this type of itinerary. If the weather was good I’d have gone hiking instead. I decided to call a cab instead of taking public transportation because of the iminent rain. It costed 10 times more this way but we’re talking 2.5 yuan vs 25 yuan, so it’s not bad. When I arrived around 10:30, the store has not opened yet so I went around the neighborhood. It was rather quiet, not many stores have opened yet. There was a collection of art schools, cafes, bougie local fashion brands, and craft beer bars. The clientele were also mostly younger hip folk. Not quite suited for an uncle like myself. I managed to find a local stir fry joint (小炒) to have early lunch first and was very pleased with the food. Stir-fried pork liver with rice. Oily, spicy, and salty. Perfect to satisfy a disappointed stomach. By the time I finished my food, the rain had just started. On my way back to the cafe I looked at some art-deco mid-century furniture. I got interested in table lamps recently. I didn’t look around for long though because the rain totally started pouring in earnest now. Before I entered the bookstore some backpacks on display across the street caught my eye so I went to have a look. They were Freitags. Overpriced and not very practical, so I left and finally entered the bookstore. Getting refuge from the heavy rain was a relief as I entered the store. Just like from the photos I saw online, it was small with a couple of narrow aisles. Warmly lit on the inside and tastefully decorated with wooden vintage furniture, a good third of the store was dedicated to vinyls and CDs. Soft tribal Nepali instrumentals can be heard from the audio system.

Quick Notes

This covers content up to 65% point in the book.

• Life is not a competition. You are not competiting with anyone.
• When you see life as a competition, then you’ll eventually see everyone else as an enemy. Even people who are always winning will see others as their enemy instead of their comrades.
• The feeling of inferiority should not come from comparing yourself with others, but from comparing with your ideal self.
• Picture every single person as being on the same horizontal plane. One person may be moving forward at a faster pace, others slower. Some may be further ahead, others behind. But everyone is moving forward and are on the same equal plane. Everyone is equal.
• Never engage in a power struggle. It happens when a dispute occurs. The goal of the other party is to gain power over you. Even if you win the dispute, the next stage will arrive. That’s when they seek revenge. When it gets to that stage, the relationship is rarely reparable.
• Admitting a mistake is not admitting defeat. Because there is no competition to begin with.
• When you view others as comrades, you will be able to genuinely celebrate their successes. Life will change utterly.

Life Tasks

People have two objectives for their behaviour:

1. To be self-reliant
2. To live in harmony with others

Life tasks can be broken down into three things. The task of friendship, work, and love. Think of them in interpersonal relationship terms. Each task differs in their depth and distance.

The ‘Life-Lie’ - is when you shift the blame from yourself to others. You manufacture a pretext to avoid/cut-off an interpersonal relationship.

No matter how hard or unpleasant a relationship becomes, always face it head on and work on it. Even if it ultimately fails.

Separation of Tasks

One should not seek recognition from others. If you are living your life based on other people’s expectations, then who is living yours? Who’s job is it to live your life? Interfering with other’s task is the root of interpersonal relationship problems. It’s not a parents job to make their child study. It is also not their task to influence the choices their child makes. How others think of you is not your task. In the end no one is expected to live according to your expectations so don’t live for others. This doesn’t mean you can just cut them off. Let others know you are available to help, but remember that in the end it is their task, not yours.

Discard tasks that aren’t yours.

How to determine who owns a task? One way is to ask who benefits from this ’task’.

Thoughts

TBC

Day 3 - April 5, 2026

I didn’t do any reading today.